Moving On
Today I took a nap that blessed me with amazingly vivid dreams. In the dream I was watching television, something I haven't done in a few years, and really enjoying it. I was flipping channels and seemed to be spending an entire day like that. When I woke up I started evaluating my reactions within the dream, wondering if perhaps I should go back to some of the old pass-times (things to waste time, basically) that I used to have. Maybe I was being too tight with myself.
With that thought came a lot of other old memories too. I remembered drinking red wine with a grad student I met at my campus job when I was an undergrad, and the next day the staff being angry at me for going out with him and letting him get drunk - as if I had somehow corrupted an otherwise dedicated researcher.
I remembered also using 5 pound weights to try to strengthen my arm muscles and a boyfriend commenting on what a wasted effort it was since I couldn't beat anyone with the strength built off of 5 pound weights. I wasn't building arm strength for potential battles, of course, but rather to be able to open the heavy doors on my office building more easily, carry groceries, open windows, that sort of thing. But after his comment I stopped using the weights. It was as if that idea of using strength against others as the purpose of strength, well it had some resonance within me. It touched my programming.
One by one the memories of a life of conflict, negative expectation, cynicsm, and wasted time came rolling in. I remembered the sluggishness I felt for days after drinking one glass of wine, a fog that could only be temporarily pierced by another glass, with so many wasted days in between. The feeling of hopelessness and disappointment as I was unable to accomplish anything. The weight of beef in my body. And that is when I remembered why I let go of all of that.
The past holds us as long as we hold it. Habit always has a delicious taste to it at first, but it comes at a high price when we are being seduced back towards bad habits. I hear some poisons are quite sweet to the tongue. It's what they do when they get to your belly that you have to watch out for.
Each day we wake up a new person, with infinite possibility. No matter who we were the day before, we are free to define our lives anew. Sufi poet Kalidasa writes:
Hark the new day
for it is life,
the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all the verities
and realities
of your existence.
The bliss of growth
the splendor of beauty
the glory of action.
For yesterday was but a dream
and tomorrow is only a vision,
yet today well lived will make every yesterday
a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow
a vision of hope.
Look well therefore to this day.
Such is the salutation to the dawn.
Today I took down the link to the Orphans Assistance site I worked on over the last couple years. I had such visions of what I would do for that organization, how I would update their technology and help them raise funds and awareness for the important work they do. I had wanted to start an organization helping children orphaned by AIDS myself, one that focused on building skills and self-sufficiency within home environments, not orphanages. I was so excited to find an organization already doing that very model. But after 2 years of struggle to get them to send letters from the children that can be posted on the website, getting anyone in their organization to make even one post or comment on their blog, getting any pictures of the children beyond a newsletter that was produced several years ago, I have finally let it go. I can't make someone else's organization mold itself to my vision.
This day is mine to do with as I wish, but only for me. I can't shape the world; I can only shape my world. So part of seizing the day is letting go also. We move forward with vigor and clarity, but with open hands. It is a dance, not a march. There is openess, inquisitiveness, discovery and delight.
I like taking naps. It gives me a chance to wake up twice each day.
With that thought came a lot of other old memories too. I remembered drinking red wine with a grad student I met at my campus job when I was an undergrad, and the next day the staff being angry at me for going out with him and letting him get drunk - as if I had somehow corrupted an otherwise dedicated researcher.
I remembered also using 5 pound weights to try to strengthen my arm muscles and a boyfriend commenting on what a wasted effort it was since I couldn't beat anyone with the strength built off of 5 pound weights. I wasn't building arm strength for potential battles, of course, but rather to be able to open the heavy doors on my office building more easily, carry groceries, open windows, that sort of thing. But after his comment I stopped using the weights. It was as if that idea of using strength against others as the purpose of strength, well it had some resonance within me. It touched my programming.
One by one the memories of a life of conflict, negative expectation, cynicsm, and wasted time came rolling in. I remembered the sluggishness I felt for days after drinking one glass of wine, a fog that could only be temporarily pierced by another glass, with so many wasted days in between. The feeling of hopelessness and disappointment as I was unable to accomplish anything. The weight of beef in my body. And that is when I remembered why I let go of all of that.
The past holds us as long as we hold it. Habit always has a delicious taste to it at first, but it comes at a high price when we are being seduced back towards bad habits. I hear some poisons are quite sweet to the tongue. It's what they do when they get to your belly that you have to watch out for.
Each day we wake up a new person, with infinite possibility. No matter who we were the day before, we are free to define our lives anew. Sufi poet Kalidasa writes:
Hark the new day
for it is life,
the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all the verities
and realities
of your existence.
The bliss of growth
the splendor of beauty
the glory of action.
For yesterday was but a dream
and tomorrow is only a vision,
yet today well lived will make every yesterday
a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow
a vision of hope.
Look well therefore to this day.
Such is the salutation to the dawn.
Today I took down the link to the Orphans Assistance site I worked on over the last couple years. I had such visions of what I would do for that organization, how I would update their technology and help them raise funds and awareness for the important work they do. I had wanted to start an organization helping children orphaned by AIDS myself, one that focused on building skills and self-sufficiency within home environments, not orphanages. I was so excited to find an organization already doing that very model. But after 2 years of struggle to get them to send letters from the children that can be posted on the website, getting anyone in their organization to make even one post or comment on their blog, getting any pictures of the children beyond a newsletter that was produced several years ago, I have finally let it go. I can't make someone else's organization mold itself to my vision.
This day is mine to do with as I wish, but only for me. I can't shape the world; I can only shape my world. So part of seizing the day is letting go also. We move forward with vigor and clarity, but with open hands. It is a dance, not a march. There is openess, inquisitiveness, discovery and delight.
I like taking naps. It gives me a chance to wake up twice each day.
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